GoBe's Twisted Christmas: A Festive Look at 2016
By David DeRocco
In the spirit of Mad Magazine, holiday mockery and all things festive, GoBe Weekly presents our 2016 “Twisted Christmas” songbook.
POLICE YELLING LETS JUST OPEN FIRE (Sung to “The Christmas Song/Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”)
Police yelling ‘let’s just open fire’
With high pressured fire hose
Rubber slugs being shot at the crowd
Swat teams in their riot clothes
Everybody knows
The protests in America
Stem from results election night
Democrats with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight
They know that Donald’s on his way
He’s uttered lies and empty promises on his way
And every Clinton aid just has to cry
Knowing Hillary’s long career has finally died
And so
I’m offering this warning to
Those who love democracy
Don’t you gloat,
And research your vote
Before you elect, crazies
IT’S TIME FOR A CELEBRITY FUNERAL
(Sung to “It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas”)
It’s time for a celebrity funeral
Look who else just died
This year we said bye to Prince, the thought it made us wince
With Bowie ill, the world stood still and cried
It’s time for a celebrity funeral
Leonard Cohen’s passed
Greg Lake and Gordie too, that’s ‘Mr. Hockey’ to you
Keith Emerson/Flo Henderson both gassed
A former Eagle named Glen, Merle Haggard and then
Muhammad Ali said goodbye
Abe Vigoda was Fish, Patty Duke quite the dish
George Martin the Beatles’ main guy
And mom and dad were oh so sad when Morely Safer died
It’s time for a celebrity funeral
Gary Shandling’s gone
Gary Marshall and Vanity, Rob Vaughn of U.N.C.L.E. set free
Nancy Reagan, got taken back to Ron
It’s time for a celebrity funeral
All your favs must go
But the thing you can count on, one person who won’t be gone
Is Keith Richards, oh no!
OH TRUDEAU
(Sung to “Let It Snow”)
Oh the Liberal in power is frightful
But his gaffs are so delightful
He prasied the dictator Castro
Oh Trudeau oh Trudeau oh Trudeau
He doesn’t show signs of stopping
On legal weed he is flip-flopping
The western pipeline is now a go
Oh Trudeau oh Trudeau oh Trudeau
When he elbowed Ruth Ellen Brosseau
In the chest during heated debate
Justin put on quite the show
And now we’ve got “Elbow-Gate”
On the carbon tax he’s just lying
Got to give him points for trying
In four years it’ll be time to go
No Trudeau no Trudeau no Trudeau
IT’S THE LEAST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR
(Sung To “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”)
It’s the least wonderful time of the year
With bad decorations and high expectations
Of fake Christmas cheer
It’s the least wonderful time of the year
It’s the crap-crappiest season of all
When those radio stations go Christmas rotation
As early as fall
It’s the crap-crappiest season of all
When sad people grow idle
They get suicidal
And never have places to go
They turn to narcotics
And drink like psychotics
And family is last, last to know
It’s the least spiritual time of the year
So unrealistic and materialistic
Holy message unclear
It’s the least spiritual time of the year
HYDRO BILLS
(Sung to “Silver Bells”)
Kathleen Wynne said, like a talking head
That we need to reduce
The consumption of our vital hydro
I was willing, till the billing
Showed that something’s not right
I used less but still I paid more
Hydro bills, hydro bills
What’s this Orwellian logic
Less is more, what a score
Still we’re expected to pay
Strings of new lights, tossed them outright
Shut my new hot tub down
Dried my laundry at 4 in the morning
Tried to reduce, it was no use
Still my hydro bills climbed
Left the grid but I’m still being gouged
Hydro bills, hydro bills
How did Wynne get re-elected
Want to beat her, with smart meters
Can’t wait till election day